Brynn Brews

   I'm a messy person in almost every aspect of my life. My car is a mess. My apartment is messy and let's not get started on my kitchen. I was raised by the patron saint of cleanliness, so it's hard to imagine where this habit derived. My dad is quite messy, but I didn't grow up with him. Still, I guess there must be some pre-disposition to slob-dom in me because I really don't like cleaning. Yet I prefer to have a clean place. Go figure. A good friend of mine was talking to me about her lifestyle prior to this twelve-step program she and I are both in. (hint.. we aren't alcoholics and we don't do drugs). She talked about laundry piles on the floor and as she painted the portrait of her house back then, I cringed internally and wondered where my purple underwear with the black skulls were.  I hadn't seen them in awhile. After having this conversation, I realized that I struggle with accepting myself as I am right now.  I am a big girl, there is re...

It is a Friday night in a small town and I am feeling like heavy ball that doesn't bounce. I have Bipolar disorder and for me, that means I'm in one of two worlds, mania or deep depression. Right now, I feel as though I'm looking through a window with paint on it. I can't really see what's in front of me, but I know that there is life beyond my skewed vision. And that makes me feel worse, because I desperately want to be a part of the world around and in front of me, but my depression is a big liar and is saying "nobody wants you." Now, on top of Bipolar, I also have anxiety, mixed with a crushing insecurity that follows me around like a dryer sheet stuck to my pant leg.  As I describe this to whomever is reading, I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm writing this in the hope that someone can relate and maybe, for those with open minds, you can see the brevity of an illness that I and so many people like me live with every day.   Starting your d...

I hadn't gone to confession in a long time and so I went last Saturday. I was timid, all right I was scared shitless. Priests are men. I don't talk to men, but when I do talk to men, they are priests, apparently. Now before we go further, I come and go out of that church like Tinkerbell. I don't go to church every week. I detest the politics of the church and most Christian churches really. The Bible, or more importantly, the Old Testament is just full of nonsense starting with Adam and Eve. Oddly enough, in the Catholic Bible there are three or more extra books that are poetic, inspiring and just plain beautiful. So, there I was across from our parish Priest and lead Pastor of our Parish. My confession was fairly straight forward. "Bless me Father for I have sinned, It's been..... eehhhhm... YEARS since my last confession." This was awkward because there'a protocol here and I clearly didn't know it. My good friend, who had talked me into this, and w...

Hi. For anyone out there reading this, this post is an introductory post explaining what my blogs will be about. There will be more than one subject but I will primarily be exploring mental health issues, spirituality and whatever else strikes my fancy. If I have a thought on any topic, no matter what it is, I will write about it. I've never really written a blog before, so this is quite new to me.   I could say a lot about myself here, but I believe in building relationships and not giving the plot of one's life away in a few palsy sentences.  I didn't always believe in this but after bulldozing a few relationships with my intensity, I've opted for what I perceive as normal. Which, even as I write this, I don't have the faintest notion of what normal is. I wonder if anyone does?  My guess, probably not. My therapist says normal is a setting on a dryer and my therapist is quite smart.  I'll admit that I would like to be "normal" more often than not...