ACCEPTANCE: How the f#*k do I do it?



   I'm a messy person in almost every aspect of my life. My car is a mess. My apartment is messy and let's not get started on my kitchen. I was raised by the patron saint of cleanliness, so it's hard to imagine where this habit derived. My dad is quite messy, but I didn't grow up with him. Still, I guess there must be some pre-disposition to slob-dom in me because I really don't like cleaning. Yet I prefer to have a clean place. Go figure.

A good friend of mine was talking to me about her lifestyle prior to this twelve-step program she and I are both in. (hint.. we aren't alcoholics and we don't do drugs). She talked about laundry piles on the floor and as she painted the portrait of her house back then, I cringed internally and wondered where my purple underwear with the black skulls were.  I hadn't seen them in awhile.

After having this conversation, I realized that I struggle with accepting myself as I am right now.  I am a big girl, there is really nothing small about me except my wrists. My ass is big and my belly,  uggh. I truly desire to be one of those big girls who loves herself no matter what, but again, it's a very hard thing for me to do. It's even harder as I was recently toldby my doctor that with the current meds I take for my  bipolar, It will be very hard for me to lose weight. This hurt my soul to hear.  If my med doctor was told that she would have to stay fat and sane or lose her sanity and stay fat, what would she do? This doesn't seem like anything a person ought to face. It's horrid, in my book.

Why is this acceptable? I don't think I can actually accept this because it goes against my better interests. Weight is very hard on my body. I struggle to get upstairs and downstairs. It's very embarassing to be this big.

So how do I accept myself, radically?  How do I take it all in and let it be? And if I don't accept myself as I am, can I change anything? 

Truthfully? I don't know how the heck to accept myself!  I don't know how this game is played and I certainly don't have a hand to play with.  If I appear confident at all(which I'm pretty sure I don't) than I am bluffing, What I do know is how it feels not to accept myself.

It feels a little lonely and it feels like I'm missing out on other things such as a healthy relationship with myself and another person. It feels liks shame and guilt are closer to me than love most days. And it feels like I don't matter most to the person I most need to matter to; Me!

If I accepted me, fat and all, changing would probably be easier.  I don't know why that is, but perhaps the art of accepting is the pathway to loving oneself.  And more profoundly, loving myself means I extend that love to others. When I think of this, it seems a good reason to love myself, because loving others is so crucial to one's existance.  I need people and maybe, rather than thinking the opposite, there are people in this world who need me and love me for who I am.









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